when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Let's paint friendship bongs
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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