What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
