I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
