Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
