i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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