Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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