And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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