Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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