We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
