My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
