3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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