Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
