trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
