I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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