life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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