he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
