i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
