Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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