so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
