I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
