Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
