Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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