I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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