Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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