i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
