Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
