Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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