I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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