I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize