Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
