i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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