Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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