I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
