I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
