Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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