he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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