you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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