Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
