Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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