OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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