Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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