Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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