Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
