omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
