I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
