she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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