If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
