is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
