dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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