She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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