Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
