You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
please come you make the beer taste better
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
