True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
