If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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